Comments to: crs@uvm.eduReviewed as of 4/20/98
THIS DOCUMENT WAS PRODUCED BY THE NEW ENGLAND REGIONAL LEADERSHIP
PROGRAM. IT IS POSTED BY THE CENTER FOR RURAL STUDIES FOR PUBLIC
USE. THE CENTER FOR RURAL STUDIES ASSUMES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR
THE CONTENTS. FOR MORE INFORMATION, REFER TO THE USERS GUIDE.
EXERCISE 2
Interpersonal Needs/Satisfactions
In this exercise participants generate an overall list of people
with whom they relate. They then examine their social connections
in light of the demands and rewards inherent in various levels of
relationships. Using the "Interpersonal Needs/Satisfactions Grid"
participants examine the quality of their current relationship in
light of how satisfactorily each relationship meets their need for
support and nurture. Following small group discussion of issues
and insights raised by the worksheet, each participant identifies
two or three persons they wish to recruit into their support
network.
> Goals
1) To highlight the variety of intensity and purpose that exists
within relationships.
2) To assist individuals in recognizing their interpersonal needs,
and to identify the various sources of their support.
3) To motivate participants to be intentional in building a support
network that nurtures them at many levels of need.
> Group size
Unlimited; this exercise is appropriate for both small group
settings and large gatherings of 200 or more, as long as space and
time permit the formation of four-person sharing groups.
> Time: 60 to 90 minutes
> Materials needed
A copy of the "Interpersonal Needs/Satisfactions Grid" for each
participant.
> Process
1) The trainer may wish to open the exercise by discussing the
importance of supportive interpersonal relationships and their
health-enhancing potential.
Concepts may include:
þ Everyone needs to be appreciated, known fully,
loved, and valued. Everyone needs to belong.
þ Most people are not very intentional in seeking and
forming fulfilling relationships and in building
their support network. They relate by chance, more
often than by choice.
þ To be supported, people must be willing to risk
opening themselves and stating clearly what they
need and want. Guessing games never work out very
well for either the giver or the receiver.
THE WIDE NETWORK OF RELATIONSHIPS (15 to 20 minutes)
2) The trainer asks participants to make a list of people they
relate to--as many as possible in 3 to 5 minutes. The trainer
encourages them to think of many groups--close family, distant
relatives, old school friends, work associates, club or church
members, service personnel, etc.--and to list the names of specific
people as quickly as possible.
3) Following the exercise the trainer asks participants for
observations and reactions.
4) The trainer may announce that this is a contest--the winner
being the one who listed the most names.
Take a vote:
þ How many listed more than 20? 50? 100? etc.
þ Notice who listed more names on the average. Men
or women? What's the significance?
þ Determine a male winner and a female winner.
þ Ask them to come forward and describe the types of
groups they noted.
þ Write out a certificate for the winners or read a
commendation similar to these examples:
"We hereby honor (woman) as honorary state senator.
Rumor has it she has kissed more babies, shaken more
hands, held more heads, had more tears shed on her
shoulders, knows more people, has given more favors than
anyone else here."
"We hereby honor (man) honorary father figure (or
chairman of the board). He has mentored more people,
remembered more names, changed more diapers, scheduled
more meetings, returned more phone calls, volunteered
more time, coached more little league baseball than
anyone here."
þ Present a clever award to each winner, using
materials on hand, such as:
an ash tray--"To hold your ashes after you burn out"
a pitcher of water--l/2 full, l/2 empty
a candle, burning on both ends
a pack of sugar--"Because you're so sweet"
a cup of coffee--"Because we know you gave yours
away"
THE REWARDS AND DEMANDS IN RELATIONSHIPS (15 to 20 minutes)
5) Using the top portion of the "Interpersonal Needs/Satisfactions
Grid" worksheet, the trainer asks participants to list the names of
three or four people with whom they have significant connections
(upper left-hand column labeled "My major social connections").
Note: Suggest that participants not select the most primary
relationship in their life, but that they also not select
insignificant relationships--ones of moderate importance should be
the focus here.
Vary the length and intensity of this segment by the number of
people listed. If time is short, ask participants to complete the
exercise with only one person as a focus. They will still get the
point.
6) The trainer asks participants to focus on the demands in each
relationship.
Ask the following questions one at a time, giving ample time for
participants to reflect and write their answers in the column
labeled "the demands."
þ What demands (requirements) are placed on you in
this relationship? List all you can think of.
þ Who sets this demand as a requirement in the
relationship? Answer this question separately for
each demand you identified! Use an "M" for "my
requirement," an "O" for the "other's demand," or a
"B" for "both require it."
þ If this requirement were not fulfilled by you what
difference would it make? Would the relationship
still exist? In what form?
þ What observations and insights occur to you in
light of your answers?
7) The trainer asks participants to focus on the rewards in each
relationship. Ask the following questions, one at a time, giving
ample time for participants to reflect and write their answers in
the column labeled "the rewards."
þ What specific rewards do you expect in each
relationship? List as many as you can think of.
þ What percentage of the time does the relationship
give you this reward? (100%? 75%? 10%?)
þ How completely does the reward match up to your
expectations? (100%--totally rewarding; 50%--so-so
rewarding; 20%--not usually very rewarding.)
þ Have you ever told the other person directly that
you expect these rewards? Answer for each reward!
Why? Why not?
þ What observations and insights occur to you in
light of your answers?
THE SOCIAL NEEDS THAT NURTURE (15-20 minutes)
8) The trainer points out that relationships fill a variety of
separate personal needs. One at a time the trainer describes each
need listed on the bottom left side of the "Interpersonal
Needs/Satisfactions Grid" worksheet, then asks, "Right now in your
life who do you look to primarily to fill this need for you?"
(Participants list one person only.)
þ Listening--We all need someone to hear us, and to
understand "where we're at"--to pay attention to
us. Who in your life right now do you look to
primarily to listen to you?
þ Emotional support--We all not only need someone to
listen to us, we also need someone to accept us,
and tell us we are loved, and that no matter what
happens, we're OK. Who in your life right now do
you primarily look to for emotional support?
þ Emotional challenge--At times, we all need someone
to give us feedback, to tell us whether we're
crazy, whether we're misinterpreting--someone to
hold a mirror up to us and help us see ourselves
from the outside. Usually we will allow people to
challenge us and offer us a reality test, only
after they have first listened to us and accepted
us. Who in your life right now do you primarily
look to for this emotional challenge?
þ Technical support--We also need someone to tell us
that we're good at what we do. Whether our
profession is home work or office work, whether
we're paid for our work or not, we all want someone
to praise us for our skills and for a job well
done. Who in your life right now do you primarily
look to for this technical stimulation?
þ Play--Finally, we all need people to play with.
This is not the competitive play seen in many
athletic contests. The definition we have in mind
is "to dink around with." Who in your life right
now do you look to primarily to fool around with,
to play with?
9) The trainer asks participants to complete the "how successful"
column on the worksheet by considering the question, "How
successfully does the person you identified fulfill this need for
you?" Use percentages to estimate the answer (10%, 20%, 98%, etc).
10) The trainer asks participants to mark any need that is not
fulfilled at least 75% of the time. For those needs participants
are asked to list two or three other persons who could potentially
help fill this need. (Be sure participants identify specific
people they know, not broad categories.)
SMALL GROUP SHARING (20 to 30 minutes)
11) The trainer divides participants into groups of four people
each (or uses previously established discussion groups).
Participants are instructed to spend 4 to 5 minutes each, sharing
as much as they like about their social needs, and the manner in
which these are currently being filled. The trainer may encourage
participants to look for the following factors:
þ Do you rely on one person primarily for all needs?
or many different people?
þ Do you ever look for a need to be fulfilled by a
person unlikely to ever offer you that? Is your
hope inappropriate? Necessary?
þ What are the similarities and differences among
members of your group?
þ Who would you like to recruit for your support
network (two or three people) and how will you plan
to begin developing this relationship to a greater
depth after this workshop is over?
PLENARY DISCUSSION (10 minutes)
12) Following the sharing in small groups, the trainer reconvenes
the entire group and asks for observations and insights. The
following issues may be highlighted by the trainer if not expressed
by the group. Personal examples of each may be elicited as well.
In re-viewing your support network, keep these principles in mind:
þ It is extremely unlikely that one person can meet
all of our interpersonal needs. Don't depend on a
single soul to function as your entire support
network. If they have a bad day, you get nothing!
Also, it's a heavy burden to place on someone else.
þ Frustration results when we expect an inappropriate
person to meet a particular need. Don't bother
looking for "listening" from someone you know can't
or won't come through. Don't wait for ever for
your boss to say, "I love you." Just accept her
praise of your work and appreciate that!
þ If there's a vacant position (e.g., spouse, best
friend, father, confessor) in your life for a time
that may be disappointing, but you can still find
people to meet each of the interpersonal needs.
þ Intentionality is essential in human relationships.
Know what you need and then search out someone to
help you satisfy that need. You have to reveal
yourself to get your needs met. Ask for what you
want. It's foolish to say to yourself, "If they
really loved me they would know what I want
without my asking." It's foolish to make other
people guess what you need. When you do, you're
less likely to receive what would fill you.
þ It's risky to ask for what you want. Others might
not give it to you, or if they do, you may discover
that it's not as satisfying as you had imagined.
The risk of rejection and dissatisfaction, however,
seems small in comparison to the risk of isolation
and frustration.
þ When you find yourself feeling isolated and lonely,
it's likely that you're not getting all of what you
need from others. It might be necessary for you to
acknowledge the support you're missing, to
carefully analyze your support network, and to
recruit people who will fill the gaps in your
relationships.
> Variations
þ If time is short, this exercise could be cut to as
little as 30 minutes by focusing primarily on "The
Social Needs That Nurture" section.
þ The exercise could be supplemented by a session
that helps participants identify and plan steps for
the development of a personal support group.
þ The trainer may substitute a different list of
interpersonal needs, while still using and
benefiting from the process as outlined in this
exercise.
Reproduced from Structured Exercises in Wellness Promotion, Vol. I,
Nancy Loving Tubesing and Donald A. Tubesing, Editors.
The "Interpersonal Needs/Satisfactions Grid" is based on research
reported by A. Pines and E. Aronson in Burnout: From Tedium to
Personal Growth, The Free Press, New York, 1983.
INTERPERSONAL NEEDS/SATISFACTIONS GRID
My major social connections:
1)
2)
3)
4)
MY SOCIAL NEEDS TO WHOM DO I LOOK?
Listening
Emotional support
Emotional challenge
Technical support
Play
THE DEMANDS THE REWARDS
How successful?
Who else could potentially fill this need?
Comments to: crs@uvm.edu
Reviewed as of 4/20/98