Comments to: crs@uvm.eduReviewed as of 4/20/98
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EXERCISE 3
Expressing Anger
Many people, when discussing risks, talk about how difficult
it is to express anger. This exercise is designed to help you
manage your anger and learn to express it clearly when it is
appropriate to do so.
Imagine a situation in your life which angers you; choose a
situation in which there is a particular person who angers you and
who you really should confront.
1) People have many fears about expressing anger. They are afraid
others will not like them, or will think they're out of control or
hysterical. Some people are afraid of losing control and doing
something harmful that they never intended to do. Others fear
losing a position or responsibility because of their anger. Ask
yourself if you have used, and are now using, these or any other
reasons not to express your anger.
2) A distinction exists between useful and destructive anger.
Useful anger is an angry feeling that is communicated carefully and
directly to a person in such a way that things change; destructive
anger is anger expressed in ways that hurt or alienate other
people. Useful anger is presented by a person in control, and is
informational rather than accusational. Anger is a powerful
emotion, and can be used to make persuasive arguments and important
points.
3) Anger is what psychologists call a "secondary emotion." It
comes as a result of a strong primary emotion, usually hurt, fear,
disappointment, or frustration. Analyze your situation and
determine what primary emotion or emotions are beneath the anger.
This is not done to diminish the importance of your anger, but to
make sure you're very clear about your position.
4) Imagine your situation, and make a list of all the things that
concern you. Put these items in priority order, with the most
important things at the top of the list and the petty annoyances at
the bottom. Imagine yourself phrasing these top-priority concerns
by making a case with the following steps:
a) State the situation (cause and effect)
b) State the reason this is a problem
c) State your feelings and interest in a solution
d) State your suggestions for resolution
Your presentation may go like this:
"When ___________________________ happens, it has the effect of __
_______________________________________________________________.
"This is a problem because ________________________________________
_____________________."
"I want to resolve this problem because the situation leaves me
feeling ___________________________________________________________
____________________ and angry."
"I feel that this situation would be helped by ____________________
_____________________."
By stating your feelings, your reasons, and your concerns in this
presentation, you project competence and concern. There is nothing
in this presentation that seems out of control; in fact, it is very
controlled.
5) Working with a partner who will just listen, present your
argument as if you're speaking with the person who is angering you.
Start by stating the problem and detail the reasons this is an
unacceptable situation. Ask for feedback from your partner.
When one person has spoken and received feedback, switch roles
so the listener becomes the speaker.
6) Discuss this exercise in a group
Did you feel that you made a controlled presentation of your
anger?
How could you improve the presentation?
Could you maintain this attitude throughout a lengthy
discussion?
What was it like to listen to someone state their case,
including their anger?
Did expressing anger diminish the effectiveness of their
presentation?
> Consider the following:
Sometimes you are so angry with someone that you cannot
maintain a calm attitude; when this is the case, it's very useful
to talk the situation over with an uninvolved person so you can
vent your anger until you feel you can present your case calmly.
Sometimes you are not angry with a particular person, but with
a social condition. It's not appropriate to use this process with
another person unless that person is directly responsible for what
is angering you.
> Further notes on the exercise:
People consistently report that they have a hard time
expressing anger, and that they are uncomfortable when others
express anger to them. Social conditioning discourages expressions
of anger, even though this may lead people to vent their anger in
other more harmful and inappropriate ways.
This is an exercise to help students learn that their anger is
real and legitimate, and that anger can be expresses in a
controlled, constructive and fully honest manner.
Allow plenty of time for discussion of each step in the
exercise, especially the early steps in which fears of expressing
anger and ways to identify the real issues are mentioned.
Emphasize the importance of having participants state that
they're angry. This makes it clear to everyone how strongly they
feel about the issue. It also keeps them from feeling defensive
about their anger; it's not something to hide.
If the group is open to it, you might extend the speaking and
listening into a more interactive exercise. Instead of just
listening, the person may both listen and respond as in a
role-play. This can help participants learn to manage their
feelings while thinking on their feet.
Time: 20 minutes to go through the basic steps; 10 to 15 minutes
for listening/role-play; 10 minutes for discussion
Comments to: crs@uvm.edu
Reviewed as of 4/20/98