Comments to: crs@uvm.eduReviewed as of 4/20/98
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EXERCISE 3
Giving and Receiving Feedback
Feedback is a potent communication skill. When we direct it
to others, we can build them up or tear them down. When we solicit
it, we risk appearing weak but hope to emerge strengthened.
Feedback comes in verbal as well as non-verbal forms. Our internal
feedback, to ourselves, is as important as feedback from external
sources.
Leadership demands that this skill be used often and
appropriately. By listening carefully to what people say to us, we
can clarify our own thinking and direction; we can learn things
about ourselves that we couldn't learn otherwise. And by using
feedback to support and empower other people, we build trust and
enhance our relationship with them.
Given our own particular history of getting feedback, however,
we may be ill-prepared to think of it and use it as a communication
skill. We may think of feedback mostly in its negative forms: a
parent's thoughtless remark, a teacher's criticism, a supervisor's
evaluation. Because of the power relationships in those
situations, we may not have had the ability to ask for
clarification, to ask for suggestions for improvement, or to learn
from the feedback.
The following suggestions can be used to increase one's
ability to use feedback, both to empower others and to learn more
about oneself.
l) Seek an appropriate time and place to give or receive feedback.
("I'd like your reactions to this meeting, and my role as chair,
could we get together afterwards?" or "Would you be interested in
some feedback on the meeting and how I see your contributions to
our process? Could we get together sometime?")
2) Separate observations about behavior from the impact of such
behavior. Use "I messages": "When you describe behavior, I feel
impact of behavior, because explanation," or "When I describe
behavior, how does that make you feel? Why do you think that is?"
for example "When you lead our conversation off on a tangent, I
grow impatient because I know how much we have to cover in this
meeting."
3) See reprint of Larry Porter's Giving and Receiving Feedbac: It
Will Never Be Easy, But It Can Be Better, NTL Reading Book for
Human Relations Training, 1982.
> Activity
Contract with another participant or facilitator to exchange
feedback, especially as it might be related to a goal set in your
learning contract. Keep a journal on feedback you have given and
solicited. Record what you learn from both.
Giving and Receiving Feedback:
It Will Never Be Easy, But it Can Be Better
by Larry Porter
"Feedback does not assume that the giver is totally right and
the receiver wrong; instead, it is an invitation to interaction."
We live is a world filled with feedback devices. Some are
"coupled," that is, the system automatically responds to feedback
signals by making changes. A thermostat is one familiar example of
this. However, many feedback devices merely provide us with
information. It is then up to us to interpret that information and
to decide how we want to use it.
"Uncoupled" feedback sources include such things as bathroom
scales, fuel gauges, mirrors, tape recorders. Still others include
ways in which people behave toward us--what they say and don't say,
do and don't do, how they look, sound, etc. These "uncoupled"
indicators may be either unused or misused by us, particularly when
our interpretations of the data are colored by our hopes, fears,
needs, and desires.
When I'm driving, for example, I have a number of devices
giving me information about my car--its speed, engine temperature,
oil pressure, fuel level. But I must interpret what that
information "means" and make decisions as to what I want to do with
it. I may, for example, note that the fuel gauge needle is low,
but choose to ignore it for a while; or I may convince myself that
it's broken; or I may play a game with it, to see how far I can go
before I heed the information and pull into a gas station. I am
not likely to cover the gauge up because it threatens or offends
me; nor am I likely to wrench the needle from the "E" to the
"F"(thereby "magically" filling the tank).
Similarly, with a bathroom scale, if I think I'm not going to
like what it tells me, I may not get on it al all. Or, if I'm
dieting, I may weigh myself continuously and risk fretting myself
out of any chance of staying with the diet. Or I may convince
myself that it "weighs heavy." Mirrors? I can avoid them, except
when I'm "feeling thin" or "nicely rounded." And I know full well,
when I listen to myself on tape, that "that doesn't sound like me."
When we get feedback from people with whom we interact, we can
play games with it, refuse to believe it, mininterpret it, etc.
Most of us have at one time or another tried to cover up the
"negative feedback" gauge ("I don't want to talk about it!"), or
wrench the pointer from "Empty" to "Full" ("You're just upset with
me; it's not as bad as you say it is"), or choose to ignore it.
Many of these behaviors can be grouped under the general
heading of "defensiveness"--denying, explaining, justifying,
fighting, surrendering--everything but dealing with the feedback as
information that may have great value to us if we can let it in and
effectively use it.
For reasons having mostly to do with our upbringing, we want
to look "good" to the world (no matter how much we may deny it),
and in the interest of doing this we may try to shut out
information that runs counter to that so-much-desired image. We
fear information that "disconfirms" our "OK-ness." This fear
causes us to behave in ways that cut us off from feedback (either
because it causes people to stop giving it to us or because it
keeps us from being able to hear it), which is a pity, because
game-free feedback can have great value. It's one of the major
sources of information by which we can know how we're perceived by
others, develop clarity about why relationships are what they are
(for good or bad), and decide what changes, if any, we want to make
in our behaviors so as to improve the quality of some
relationships.
There's another problem, too. Not only are many of us afraid
of feedback, but we lack skills related to sending and receiving
it. Relatively few people have an opportunity to learn feedback
skills. So we more or less automatically "do it the way it was
done to us." And the way it was done to us is often what makes us
fear it in the first place!
One way to break out of this cycle is to learn some feedback
concepts. For example, what constitutes effective (i.e., helpful,
non-game playing) feedback? And then, practice those concepts,
either in a setting that validates such experimentation (such as a
human relations laboratory) or with people with whom we can share
the information and whom we can use as ongoing resources as we seek
to improve our skills.
> Definition
For our purposes here, I'm defining feedback as information
that flows between people that has to do with their interaction in
the here and now.
Telling someone the time or that you'd rather go to a movie
than to a baseball game is not feedback in the sense that I'm using
the term. It's just information. I define effective feedback as
information that:
þ can be heard by the receiver (as evidenced by the
fact that she or he does not get defensive, etc.)
þ keeps the relationship intact, open, and healthy
(though not devoid of conflict or pain)
þ validates the feedback process in future
interactions (rather than avoiding it because "last
time it hurt so much")
Further, feedback does not assume that the giver is totally
right and the receiver wrong; instead, it is an invitation to
interaction, has some give-and-take to it. Also, it is a behavior
that is inappropriate in interactions with people who do not have
some significance in our lives (remember "Bob and Carol and Ted and
Alice" and the waiter?), but all right in interactions that we know
(or want) to have duration and importance.
> Criteria for effective feedback
Table 1 shows 13 criteria for effective feedback. If this
list sounds intimidating, keep in mind that some of them are easy
to start using (once you're aware of them). In addition, you
probably won't need to concern yourself with all of them and may
find yourself focusing on a cluster of four or five which you
realize (or are helped to realize) are problems for you. Also, I'm
providing the "flip-side" of each criterion: things we do that are
not effective and that often trap us into games and other
relational confusions. It may be that if you can just stop doing
some of those you'll have made significant progress, even though
you don't consciously try to do the ones listed as effective.
To repeat, that's a lot to keep track of, especially given the
fact that most of us have had extensive training in how not to give
feedback. Here are some suggestions you may find helpful:
þ Find out which ineffective feedback behaviors you
most want to get rid of. You can do this by paying
careful attention to what you do in significant
interactions; you can also find out by asking the
"challengers" (and others) in your support group if
they can point out any criteria you violate
frequently. (Sure--show them the list if that will
help.) Work on those--perhaps two or three. Try
to stop doing the ineffective things, at the very
least.
þ Don't expect miracles. Nonconfirming feedback
almost always carries some sting, no matter how
skillfully given; and some people are more easily
stung than others. Relationships marked by a
relatively high degree of open, competent feedback
are likely to be richer, more complex, and more
interesting than those marked by little feedback or
game playing. They are, however, also likely to be
more prickly and intense; and they require more
time and energy, at times, than do those relation-
ships in which "disconfirmations" are withheld or
masked.
þ If for one reason or another (fear of punishment,
risk of losing a relationship you're not ready to
lose, lack of confidence in your skills, etc.) you
think you don't want to try to be more open and use
more effective feedback behaviors, then don't. But
pay attention to the choice you are making--there
may be some important learning in it for you. Or
you may want to test out some feedback in very
small increments, to see what happens.
þ The 13 criteria are useful to you as a receiver of
feedback as well as a giver. You may decide that
you can't/won't give much feedback to another in a
given relationship. OK. But do try to use what
you've learned as a means of "managing" feedback
you receive. If someone tells you you're being
obnoxious, you may elect to be hurt or angry, or
you may choose to be curious (perhaps in addition
to being hurt or angry!). You may ask for
descriptive information: "What am I doing that
causes you to say that?" You can also try to help
others "own" their feelings, rather than allowing
them to shuffle them off onto others ("People are
talking..."). You can help the sender explore his
or her feelings (active listening is useful here)
or clarify for you (and perhaps himself or herself)
the consequences of the behavior being discussed.
In short, if you know something about effective
feedback skills (and if you can avoid getting into
a defensive posture), you may be able to be helpful
to the person giving you feedback, so the two of
you are problem solving rather than
attacking/defending. This will help you,too, in
that it will either get you much clearer feedback
or it will indicate what "game" the sender is
playing.
þ Don't become a feedback addict. Sometimes people
get excited about new learnings and use them all
the time and in every place. This can wear thin
very quickly. Not every event needs to be worked
through. Not every utterance has to be perfect.
Remember to allow for some slippage in your
relationships; take small risks, be willing to
"approximate" and see what happens. Above all,
don't use others as guinea pigs on which to
practice your skills.
þ The feedback process works best when it involves
people who are, at least in that interaction,
equals. If one person is "up" (dominant, "right,"
faultless, containing all virtue) and the other
"down" (passive, "wrong," the culprit or villian of
the piece), it is likely to turn into one of a
number of games, as the "down" person attempts
(usually without realizing it) to equalize the
power between them, to gain what might be called
psychological parity. If you can recognize that
what began as a feedback interaction between equals
has moved to "helpless me" or "awful me" or "you're
one too" or "but you don't understand," or any
variety of behaviors that might be lumped under the
term "attack/defense," you may be able to alter the
interaction's direction by having both you and the
other person look at what's happening. Note well:
"both you and the other person." For as long as
the burden is on the other, you're maintaining or
increasing your "upness" and promoting an
escalation of the power equalization efforts.
By now you may be muttering, "But it's so complicated; and it
sounds like hard work; and it also sounds risky." Yes. And the
same can be said of many of the things that are important to us.
It is, I believe, a matter of "valueing." If I value clear, open
relationships, if I value the others with whom I share those
relationships, and, most important, I think, if I value myself in
those relationships, then I may find that I have no choice but to
do the hard work, take the risks, suffer the losses, and be
enriched by the gains.
Reprinted from NTL Reading Book, Human Relations Training 1982,,NTL
Institute.
Table 1. Effective and Ineffective Feedback Behaviors
> Effective Feedback
1. Describes the behavior that led to the feedback: "You're
finishing my sentences for me..."
2. Comes as soon as appropriate after the behavior--immediately if
possible, later if events make it necessary (something more
important going on, you need time to "cool down," the person has
other feedback to deal with, etc.)
3. Is direct, from sender to receiver.
4. Is "owned" by the sender, who uses "I messages" and takes
responsibility for his or her thoughts, feelings, reactions.
5. Includes the sender's real feelings about the behavior insofar
as they are relevant to the feedback: "I get frustrated when I'm
trying to make a point and you keep finishing my sentences."
6. Is checked for clarity, to ensure that the receiver fully
understands what's being conveyed: "Do you understand what I mean
when I say you seem to be sending me a double message?"
7. Asks relevant questions which seek information (has a
problem-solving quality with the receiver knowing why the
information is sought and having a clear sense that the sender does
not know the answer.
8. Specifies consequences of the behavior--present and/or future:
"When you finish my sentences I get frustrated and want to stop
talking with you." "If you keep finishing my sentences I won't
want to spend much time talking with you in the future."
9. Is solicited or at least to some extent desired by the
receiver.
10. Refers to behaviors about which the receiver can do something,
if she or he wants to--"I wish you'd stop interrupting me."
11. Takes into account the needs of both sender and receiver:
recognizes that this is a "process," that it is an interaction in
which, at any moment, the sender can become the receiver. Sender-
-"I'm getting frustrated by the fact that often you're not ready to
leave when I am." Receiver--"I know that's a problem, but I'm
concerned about what seems to be your need to have me always do
what you want when you want."
12. Affirms the receiver's existence and worth by acknowledging his
or her "right" to have the reactions he or she has, whatever they
may be, and by being willing to work through issues in a game-free
way.
13.Acknowledges and, where necessary, makes use of the fact that a
process is going on, that it needs to be monitored and sometimes
explored and improved--"I'm getting the impression that we're not
listening to each other. I'd like to talk about that and try to do
this more effectively.
> Ineffective Feedback
Uses evaluative/judmental statements--"you're being rude"--or
generalized ones--"You're trying to control the conversation."
Is delayed, saved up, and "dumped"; also known as "gunny-sacking"
or ambushing. The more time that passes, the "safer" it is to give
the feedback. Induces guilt and anger in the receiver because,
after time has passed, there's usually not much she or he can do
about it.
Indirect, ricochetted--"Tom, how do you feel when Jim cracks his
knuckles?" Also known as "Let's you and him fight."
"Ownership" is transfered to "people," "the book," "upper
management," "everybody," "we," etc.
Feelings are concealed, denied, misrepresented, distorted. One way
to do this is to "transfer ownership" (see number 4). Another way
is to smuggle the feelings into the interaction by being sarcastic,
sulking, competing to see "who's right." Other indicators:
speculations on the receiver's intentions, motivations, or
psychological "problems"--"You're trying to drive me nuts," "You're
just trying to see how much you can get away with," "You have a
need to get even with the world."
Not checked. Sender either assumes clarity or--fairly often--is
not interested in whether receiver understands fully--"Stop
interrupting me with `Yes, but's'."
Asks questions that are really statements--"Do you think I'm going
to let you get away with that?"--or that sound like traps--"How
many times have you been late this week?" Experts at the question
game can easily combine the two--"How do you think that makes me
feel?" or "Do you behave that way at home, too?"
Provides vague consequences--"That kind of behavior is going to get
you in trouble"--or specifies no consequences, substituting other
kinds of leverage such as "shoulds"--"You shouldn't do that."
Is imposed on the receiver, often for his or her "own good."
Refers to behaviors over which the receiver has little or no
control if he or she is to remain authentic--"I wish you'd laugh at
my jokes."
Is distorted by the sender's needs (usually unconscious or
unconsidered) to be safe (not rejected)--"Now I don't want you to
get angry"--or to punish--"You can't ever do anything right"--or to
win--"Ah-ha, then you admit that you interrupt me"--or to be
virtuous (watch this one!)--"I'm going to level with you, be open
with you, etc." In short, most effective feedback behaviors come
either from lack of skills or from the sender not seeing the
process as an interaction in which both parties have needs that
must be taken into account.
Denies or discounts the receiver by using statistics, abstractions,
averages; by refusing to accept his/her feelings--"Oh, you're just
being paranoid," "Come on, you're overreacting!," "You're not
really as angry as you say you are."
Either does not value the concept of "process" or does not want to
take time to discuss anything other than content. Consequently
does not pay attention to the process, which can result in
confusion, wasted time and energy, and lots of ineffective
feedback.
Comments to: crs@uvm.edu
Reviewed as of 4/20/98